Unless you’ve been living in a cave (or at least a cave without a satellite dish) you’ve heard about the rash of sex scandals involving female teachers and young (often VERY young) male students. The biggest name of course is Pamela Rogers Turner, a gorgeous blonde gym teacher/girls basketball coach accused of carrying on with a 13-year-old, but there have been six or seven other similar incidents involving adult women and teen-aged boys reported in just the past week.

At BadJocks.com we have been tracking HS Coach Sex Scandals for several years now and can report to you that, from our experience, there has been a dramatic increase in these types of incidents, just since this fall. Typically, about 80% of these scandals involve male coaches/teachers and underage girls; about 10% male coaches with underage males, about 3% female teachers with female students and only about 5% female coaches/teachers with underage males. It’s one of those male fantasy things that occupy a lot of our younger years, but never really seem to come true, like the combination beer keg cooler and sofa-recliner.

Sure, you can go back about a decade and find the grandmother of all older woman/young boy scandals (no pun intended) Mary Kay Letourneau, but the most recent rash seems to have started this fall. Why this fall? At BadJocks we’ve done extensive research and come up with only one conclusion that we call the “Desperate Housewives Effect” or DHE for short.

I’m sure you’re now asking, “What is DHE?” Basically, DHE is the result of watching the hit ABC series “Desperate Housewives” that just started assaulting our TV screens this past fall. One of the highlights of each episode was the bedroom romps between former model/lonely rich housewife Gabrielle Solis, played by Eva Longoria and her high school-aged stud gardener, John. There’s no doubt in our minds that, as a result of repeated viewings of this show, inter-age romps are now seen as not only accepted, but almost encouraged so that your neighborhood will seem normal . . . like the one on Wisteria Lane.

And now I’m sure you’re thinking, “But wouldn’t that cause more lonely middle-aged women to have affairs with their gardeners?” Well yes, it would, if most women didn’t have to work outside the home and most gardeners weren’t overweight middle-aged men named Earl. It’s just not gonna happen. On the other hand, what occupation is held by a lot of lonely middle-aged women? You don’t have to be Jeopardy’s Ken Jennings to know that the answer to that question is “teachers.” And, aside from Star Trek Conventions, where do you find an abundance of naïve, unattached young males? Middle and high schools, of course, where the last I heard the human teachers had not been replaced by computers . . . yet.

Ladies and gentlemen, this situation was already a volatile one, and now you’ve thrown gasoline on the kindling of young manhood and lit it with the match of suggestive television. The result: Desperate Housewives Effect. It wouldn’t be so bad if just the older gals were affected by it. They might still chase the young men, but confused as they are anyway at that age, most of the boys would either run the other way or not pick up on the subtle clues like a hot teacher saying, “Want to go back to my place for sex?” No, the young men now have a role model to emulate, examples of how and when to "hook up" and the combination has resulted in a huge upswing in lady teachers and coaches being caught in the arms of younger men.

So, what to do? Here at BadJocks, we’d could take the easy route and suggest a boycott of “Desperate Housewives” but even if it were successful, we can only assume that another show featuring inter-age dating would replace it and we’d be right back where we started. No, we recommend a more direct approach: the labeling of all young men between the ages of 10 and 18. (After that boys, you’re on your own to fight off the ladies!) The Federal Government must come out with labels similar to the ones that they have on tobacco products, warning potential users of the dangers. Something along the lines of:

WARNING: Lustful romps with young males may result in your arrest, the loss of your job, divorce proceedings, and possibly finger pointing and taunting by small children at the mall.

Of course placing these warning labels on the foreheads of every boy in the country is going to be expensive, and not to mention possibly a little distracting, but it appears the price we need to keep lonely middle-aged women from ruining their lives. Not to mention the amount of time spent at work standing around the water cooler at work talking about the latest scandal. By our estimates, more than a billion dollars in worker productivity has been lost in the United States in recent weeks just talking about Pamela Rogers Turner. If we are to maintain our economic power over the rest of the world, we have to reign in the sexual urges of everyone who can’t get a date through normal channels . . . like spam emails or crank calls.

So go, write your congressman NOW, before another hot teacher becomes a fallen woman and the story of her escapades causes a hardworking—but distracted—Teamster to lose a finger.

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